Whipped Cream Difficulties

TMQ is back from his bye week. And we’re back from the holiday. (Yes, we did have a nice Thanksgiving, complete with gun shopping and range time. Thanks for asking.)

Before we jump into this week’s column, we want to take this opportunity to observe that the Washington Wizards are 0-12, and folks are starting to take notice. We’ll come back to that.

“Notre Dame became the first college football team to be ranked No. 1 in the polls and No. 1 in graduation success.” You can now skip the first 704 words of this week’s column.

“…why are NFL coaches so reluctant to go for two from kick formation?” And now you can skip the next 485 words.

Sweet: New Orleans – San Francisco. Sour: Green Bay – Jets. Both: Dallas – Washington.

Three touchdowns in 52 seconds! Three touchdowns in 27 seconds! Five touchdowns in five plays!

What does TMQ want for Christmas? The Cadillac ATS, with the six-speed tranny (which is an extra $1,180). We were all set to slag TMQ for his gas-guzzling ways…but the ATS actually gets 26 MPG combined, according to the EPA.

Trick plays. “It was an interesting stunt. It sure wasn’t a basketball game.”

“If you’ve seen the play live once and replayed twice and you’re still not certain what happened, the call on the field should stand.” Mmmmmmmmmm. Maybe. We can see that argument.

Meanwhile, reader Justin Evilsizor of Philadelphia notes, “It may not be long until some quick-witted coach deliberately throws a challenge flag on his own team’s likely-to-be-overturned touchdown, in order to negate a review.” Ten bucks says Belichick is first to notice this rules quirk.

Actually, this idea was discussed extensively in the FARK thread about the first two Thursday games. The consensus opinion there was that, since the wording of the rule says the team can’t “benefit” from illegally throwing a challenge flag that delays the game, that strategy won’t work.

Wacky Food of the Week: This food critic reports he is “weary” of eating.

No, Gregg. That’s dishonest. What he actually said was “We grow weary of cupcakes, of meatballs, of the overwhelming ubiquity of bacon.” All of these are food trends that we agree have been done to death (though we do like Bacon). Also, this comment was in the context of an article celebrating the joys of dumplings, a food we love: as a matter of fact, we think we might go to Asia Cafe tonight and get a whole bunch of zhong dumplings, now that you mention it.

(Edited to add: We did. They were great. Next time, we’ll order more zhong dumplings.)

Creep.

“…new NCAA data show Cal’s football graduation rate has been declining under Tedford, now an embarrassing 48 percent…Graduating less than half of your players should be a firing offense at any big university.” O-kay.

“As for the dismissal of Gene Chizik, Auburn’s 54 percent graduation rate for African-American football players should have been his firing offense.” So “graduating less than half of your players should be a firing offense”, but graduating more than half of your players should be a firing offense as well? What’s an acceptable graduation rate, TMQ?

The University of Maryland already charges all students a $398 annual fee to support the athletic department. If Maryland’s English Department charged an annual fee to every football player, the athletic department would be outraged.

Saying “isn’t that what tuition is” sort of oversimplifies the situation. But: isn’t that what tuition is?

…leaving the ACC means Maryland loses its affiliation with Duke University, notably superior to Northwestern and Michigan in academic standing.

Paging Drew Curtis! Drew Curtis to the white courtesy phone, please!

We repeat our promise: give us a large sum of money, and it won’t negatively influence our life. At the very least, we assure you we won’t be charged with grand larceny. Nor will we try to sell “a rare 1929 from an estate that did not begin to offer wines till 1934”. (Research, mofos. Do you speak it?) Refugio High is still a bunch of poor sports.

John Gagliardi, the 2012 TMQ Person of the Year.

“MIT men’s basketball is ranked No. 1 in Division III.” And St. Edward’s men’s basketball isn’t even ranked in Division II. Not that we’re bitter or anything.

Our long national nightmare is over. The Pulaski Academy season has ended.

“Pulaski won its playoff game held during the TMQ bye week, going for it five times on fourth down and converting four.” But who did they play, Gregg? (White Hall. You’re welcome.)

“Friday, Pulaski was defeated in the Arkansas semis.” Okay, one last chorus, and then we’ll wrap it up for the year. But who did they play, Gregg? (Batesville. You’re welcome.)

Chicken-kicks: Arkansas, NC State, Green Bay.

“Why does Bill Belichick, seemingly a master, expose starters to risk when there is nothing to be gained?” If you’re a starter, do you really want to be pulled from the game, even if it isn’t close? Do you want to give someone else a chance to look good, and maybe a shot at your job?

“Do you have an in-house chef, a personal valet, free lawn care? Four-star generals and admirals get these things, at your expense.” As a matter of fact, Gregg, we do have an in-house chef and a personal valet: namely, us. As far as free lawn care, we live in an apartment. But isn’t that what privates in the military are for? Would you rather mow a general’s lawn, or get shot at?

Is it unfair that Ohio State doesn’t get to play in a bowl game?

Ah, the Wizards.

As the sole NBA team yet to win a game as of Monday, the Wizards personify what’s wrong with the nation’s capital — way too much spent for way too little accomplished.

Wesley 56, Cortland State 6. Colorado State-Pueblo 28, Indianapolis 7.

Reader mail: GPS doesn’t work under water (hmmm, where have we heard that before?), and Saban throws his team under the bus.

Single worst play of the season so far: Norv Turner. We’re still convinced Norv, Rex Ryan, and Andy Reid are on the way out, but it’s starting to look like their owners won’t fire them until after week 17.

Tune in next week, when TMQ raises his periscope, and we lower ours:

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 27th, 2012 at 3:38 pm and is filed under Clippings, Food, Guns, Loser, Sports, TMQ watch. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.